wrongdoing in seal-clubbing incident
(caption) Cheney, wearing his custom-tailored
seal-clubbing suit, prepares to club a baby seal.
ANCHORAGE, Alaska - Dentist Michael MacKenzie is in
serious but stable condition following an accident
while on an Alaskan baby seal-clubbing expedition with
Vice President Dick Cheney. Cheney was in the process
of clubbing a 1-week-old baby harp seal when MacKenzie
somehow got in the way, sustaining a concussion,
broken jaw, and several missing teeth.
Asked to comment, MacKenzie stated, "Umph schmph fluh
shuh buh fuh," as his jaw is wired shut and his mouth
stuffed with gauze. In comments scrawled on hospital
stationery, he said that he harbors no ill will
towards the vice president: "I realize that it's all
just part of the sporting risk and giddy thrill of
baby seal clubbing. More morphine, please."
A Pentagon investigation into the matter has
determined that Cheney did nothing wrong, as his
executive office affords him the privilege of ignoring
international conventions regarding the clubbing of
both seals and dentists. A Pentagon spokesperson also
indicated that the vice president overpaid $7 for his
baby seal clubbing license, and should seek
reimbursement from the state game warden.
Animal rights leaders have expressed outrage; they're
very good at it. Seal-clubbing safety experts have
also expressed concern.
In response to waves of criticism, Cheney plans to go
on FOX "News" in four days and say he's sorry for
clubbing his friend but that the Iraq war is an
unparalleled success.
Reports have also noted that Cheney has restricted his
outdoor sporting companions to members of unpopular
professions in order to mute public outcry in the
event of an accident. MacKenzie, 65, is a dentist,
78-year-old Harry Whittington, whom Cheney shot in the
face with a shotgun earlier this year, is a lawyer,
and Ronald DuPre, a campaign donor who was
accidentally harpooned while on a dolphin hunting tour
earlier this year, is a DMV attendant. Reports
indicate that Geoffrey Payton, a parking enforcement
officer with whom Cheney had scheduled an outing to go
dynamite fishing this June, has since cancelled the
trip and moved to an undisclosed location.
------
Reportedly from Sojourners Magazine.
.
.
.